Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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