I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
