My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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