Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
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My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I am one with the molecules
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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