I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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