Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Randomize
