My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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