I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
