yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
