Don't you send me to vm
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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