Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
