I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
