just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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