just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
