what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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