whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
