Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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