If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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