I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
