I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
