No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
