Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
