his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
