I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
