they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
