Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
