He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
you never un-have a 4some
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
