Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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