Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
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i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
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I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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