i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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