I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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