cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
