he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
