God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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