Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Randomize
