I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
