I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
