take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
