girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
