The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
