On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
