Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
