I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
