Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
