Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
