just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
