I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Fuck appropriateness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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