Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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