Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
