I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
