An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
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Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
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Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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