It's Friday. Sex?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
