i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
