I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
