I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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